How to put the ‘man’ back in ‘marathon’

Let’s face it: compared to testosterone-fueled contact sports like football, ice hockey and Jujitsu, long-distance running just isn’t that manly.

As a man, it’s one thing to idolize famous athletes who look like this:

Photo courtesy of blacksportsonline.com

But anyone with a pair of testicles is going to have a hard time explaining why their hero looks like an adolescent girl with a bad haircut:

Photo courtesy of Marcio Jose Sanchez/bigstory.ap.org

Look, a community 10K is never going to be as effortlessly macho as a backyard game of pigskin on a crisp fall day. That’s why Brett Favre—not Galen Rupp—is the poster boy for Wrangler jeans. And that’s why Brett Favre—not Galen Rupp—had the audacity to text photos of his junk to a woman who looks like this:

Photo courtesy of news.lalate.com

But you don’t have to be a retired NFL star in grass-stained Five Star Premium Denim to exude masculinity and win the approval of your fellow XYs. You just have to follow a few simple rules to avoid coming off as a bird-legged sissy in short-shorts.

1. Have facial hair. Nothing says, “I own a power drill” like a little bit of mug-scruff. But beware—too much of a good thing will leave you looking more hobo (i.e. Tom Hanks in Castaway) than hunky (i.e. Brad Pitt in Moneyball).

2. Either wear sleeves, or don’t. Manly men do not slip removable spandex tubes over their forearms in case it’s a bit chilly (or a bit balmy) on the course. Sensitivity to temperature fluctuations is a known side effect of estrogen, which is why arm sleeves—like half-tights and battery-powered mini fans—should be reserved for female use only.

3. Listen to classic rock. Before you head to the starting line, make sure your iPod is loaded up with AC/DC, The Rolling Stones and Led Zeppelin. When the dude to your right asks what you’re jamming to, your answer should not be, “One Direction.”

4. Wear black. Johnny Cash was just kidding when he said he’d love to wear a rainbow everyday. At least half of your outfit should be black or gray. If you want to rock a lime green shirt, go for it. You just couldn’t resist those bright blue shorts on the clearance rack at Sports Authority? Fine. But please, for the love of all that is holy, do not wear them together. Because when you look like this:

Photo courtesy of perfectionjourney.org

Other guys see this:

Photo courtesy of rumorfix.com

5. Win. A man does not engage in a competitive activity—be it a sport, a video game or a checkers match with Granny—simply to participate. He does it to destroy his opponent and thus prove his superiority to the rest of the male race. If that means vomiting blood for 20 minutes after out-kicking a slightly overweight teenager in a homestretch sprint for 41^st place in the local Turkey Trot, so be it. Bloody oatmeal barf is a small price to pay for the preservation of your masculinity.   

El paso (Spanish for "the paso")

I was driving along the highway the other day—slightly above the speed limit, mind you—when out of nowhere some crazy teenager in a bright red ’92 Blazer zoomed by and completely cut me off. She was so close to my front bumper that I was forced to hit the brakes.

And it’s a good thing I did, because she nearly sliced off my front grill and headlights as she executed a pass that looked like something from the movie trailer for Fast and Furious 5 (can you believe they are still making those?) To top it all off, after almost causing a major accident due to her dire need to get around me, she slowed to a speed considerably lower than my original rate.

Enraged, I squeezed my steering wheel and exhaled forcefully through my nose, half-expecting actual fire to come out. (It didn’t.)

For as long as I’ve had my driver’s license, I have compared the rules of the road to the rules of the track. In fact, I often intermix the two, which has both advantages and disadvantages. For example, I would never pull the close-cut stunt that had befallen me that fateful afternoon. It would violate the “one and a half strides” rule that governs passing in a track race. In my opinion, this rule should be incorporated into traffic law so drivers like Little Miss Vin Diesel are disqualified from being licensed to drive.

I will admit, however, that my racing instincts have led to some close calls with the law, and I’m pretty sure most highway patrolmen would not buy the old “surging-to-avoid-getting-boxed-in” excuse.

But let’s focus on the subject of passing. Of all the race-related driving maneuvers (or “manoeuvres” for all you Brits and Canadians), this is the one whose rules of conduct and courtesy most closely mirror those governing the track. With just days to go before the first races of the spring track season, I think now is the perfect time to review the rules of passing.

Passing: a comprehensive and unofficial (but not comprehensively unofficial) guide

1.) Location – Whether you are racing on an open course or on a track, there are certain places that are more suitable for passing than others. Initiating a pass in an inappropriate area could lead to wasted energy, lost time, and/or an angry post-race lecture from your coach. As with driving, it is not recommended to attempt passing on an incline, curve, or single-lane stretch of road. Wait for a long, flat, straight section—like a straightaway on the track—where you have enough distance to surge, verbally taunt your opponent, cut in, and settle back into pace.

2.) Timing – Nothing is worse than passing a competitor, only to realize that you have made your move too early, leaving them adequate time to regroup and respond. To return to the driving analogy, imagine the following scenario: you are driving a PT Cruiser. You’re doing 75, and the Honda CR-V in front of you is going about 60—which is 10 mph under the limit. You step on the gas and blow by him, well aware of the mountain pass just a few miles ahead. As expected, the Cruiser fails to maintain its speed as it climbs the hill, and you begin to worry that Sunday-drive-CR-V-guy is going to catch you. Your worst fears are confirmed as you glance at your rearview mirror. You shrink down in your seat as he rolls past you in a seemingly effortless motion. You steal a glance to your left and notice that he is, in fact, wearing suspenders and a turtleneck sweater at the same time. But come on, you’re driving a PT Cruiser—are you really in a position to pass judgment? Anyway, you are too embarrassed to make a second attempt on the other side of the pass, so you’re stuck moving at a senior pace for the remainder of your trip. Relevant lesson: in a racing context, a premature pass could empty out your energy reserves too early, leaving you vulnerable in the final sprint to the finish.

3.) Commitment – An appropriate, well-executed pass should be quick, clean and relatively painless. In short, if you are going to pass, then pass. Don’t come up on someone’s shoulder only to back down when they challenge your speed. Don’t make a pass only to settle into a slower pace than before. And for the love of God in heaven, don’t make one of those slow-motion passes where you’re going one second per mile (or one mile per hour) faster than the other guy. Watching one of those passes is like slowly peeling off a Band-Aid. I would rather watch a Lord of the Rings movie or listen to “Bohemian Rhapsody” on repeat.

4.) Instinct – Many racers struggle with making the decision to pass. Although it is important to briefly consider the costs and benefits of making a move, you should avoid overthinking the matter. If you hesitate too long, you may lose your opportunity. So go ahead—take a risk, go with your gut. If you crash and burn, there’s always next time*.

*Car analogy not applicable in this case. Crashing and burning will likely result in critical injury or death. Adjust strategy accordingly.