Tuesday, May 15, 2012


If you thought your biggest social media concern was deciding whether to accept your mom’s Facebook friend request, think again. Being careless with your privacy settings could lead to sharing your status updates with not only your mom, but everyone else in the world (and their mom) too. Even worse, you could end up becoming a subject of ridicule on this blog (see below).

Thanks to openbook.org, Internet users all over the world can search thousands of Facebook profiles for whatever keywords they wish. The results are often quite hilarious. It’s the cyber equivalent of spending an afternoon unabashedly staring at strangers at Walmart/a water park/a Willie Nelson concert. If you enjoy the rush of hilarity that comes with watching obese people negotiate inner tubes, you’ll eat up the jaw-dropping, for-eff's-sake status updates found on Openbook.

Recently, I logged on to Openbook and tried plugging a few running-related words and phrases into the search engine. Here are some of the top results (I have graciously blacked out the names of my subjects in order to protect the guilty/stupid):

I kind of have to agree with Xavier’s reasoning. People who run and speak Castilian Spanish are generally very gifted medical professionals.

No one. And it sounds like you might be having some pacing issues, Robyn.

This is a prime example of why the vast majority of dieting attempts fail. Honestly, I blame the Big Mac for being so juicy and satisfying. Meanwhile, on the other end of the spectrum…

She would, but Junior up there already ate it. Speaking of being judgmental…

I’ve heard cross-country runners described as “awkward,” “dorky,” and “sexually undesirable,” but “asshole” is definitely a new one. Thanks, Kevin. You have broadened my insult horizons.

 And I won't talk about what I call our next lucky subject...

Thanks for the clarification, Chel. I never would have guessed that cross country is not up your alley.

Referring to your middle school years as your athletic glory days? Jeez, at this rate you'll be a member of the washed-up townie club before you even graduate from high school. 

The minimalist movement has spread to MIDDLE SCHOOLERS?!? For the love of Vibram, this fad must be stopped!

 The only epic failure here is your blatant disrespect for the English language.

Seriously, did the government cut funding for spelling instruction or something?

This poor girl never had a chance. Just look at the way her parents decided to spell her name.

What, you couldn’t get a hold of anyone on your hand phone?

I know, right? Collarbones are so dumb. What, like providing structure for the skeletal frame of the entire upper body is important? Give me a break (pun intended).

What is going on at track practice these days?

At least everyone did not have poop all over their face and hands.

Complaining about the weather is an overarching theme of most track meets. It is always either too hot:

Or too cold:

OK, I have to comment on this one. This is a prime example of why sentence construction is so important, Destiny. According to your statement, Boomer and Gage got struck by lightening after they competed. Also, your Toddlers and Tiaras profile picture is totally creepy.

Sometimes, the weather is so extreme that meets have to be called off—much to the excitement of people like this lady:

By the way, NOWSHECANCLEANHERROOM.com is not an actual website. I checked.

And finally, my favorite track-related post:


  1. Best post I've read all week. Thanks for some bedtime humor!

  2. LOVE that last comment! That was fun!