Tuesday, February 22, 2011


Okay, I promised I would reveal my next big idea in this post, but first I must recount the series of events leading up to its inception. Stay with me—it’s worth it.

First: I sweat. A lot. It is essential that you understand the magnitude of my sweating problem, so I have furnished examples of visual evidence to illustrate what I’m talking about:

This photo was probably taken around mile 1 in a five-kilometer race. There are a few things I would like to point out with regards to this image:

First, as you might surmise from the background, this was an outdoor race. Second, it was an October morning in Montana, so the temperature was right around 30 degrees Fahrenheit (that's -1.1 degrees Celsius for all you crazy Canadians). Finally, I am, in fact, wearing two layers of clothing. Now take a moment to imagine what “could have been” in the absence of cold air, wind resistance, and double layers of moisture absorption.

The following video clip was recorded after a six-kilometer (3.7 miles) race in Indiana last October. As I recall, the race-day temperature was in the high 50 to low 60-degree range.

Unfortunately, I cannot bring myself to post a photo of myself after completing an indoor workout. It is simply too graphic in nature. Just know that there is even more sweat. A lot more.

I sweat so much, in fact, that I usually leave a puddle on or around the cardio machine I use at the gym. I once overheard a fellow gym-goer complaining to one of the trainers that the sweat on the floor was “really disgusting.” She was standing right next to me. I was like, “Hello! My ears might be soaked in my own perspiration, but I can still hear you!”

A few days ago, after I completed a particularly sweaty treadmill run, my dad casually joked that I should use a ShamWow as a sweat towel. “Actually,” he said, growing even more animated, “You should just work out in an outfit made entirely out of ShamWow material!”

I immediately recognized this as my next big idea. (Okay, so it was actually my dad’s idea. Details, mere details.) But since I have a poor track record with following through on my inventions, I have decided to offer this idea to you, my loyal reader(s). All I ask is that you prominently display my name in all advertisements and give me a 55% share in the company.

Here is a rough pictographic representation of the business plan I’ve developed for my new line of SweatWow workout gear:

Feel free to use this graphic as a visual aid when you’re presenting our idea to the folks at Nike Headquarters. You’re welcome.


  1. You've forgotten toys for dumb kids!

    Seriously, though... I might give you a run for your sweatiness. I ran 9 miles on a treadmill and lost 6 pounds in that 65 minutes. That's 3/4 of a gallon of sweat.

  2. I m adding you to my blog list! You are hilarious! Miss ya!