“Hip”othesis

For the past three months or so, I have suffered from a nagging pain in my right hip. It’s not quite a stabbing pain, but more like a dull burn that increases in intensity following strenuous physical activity.

According to Web MD, the pain is most likely the result of (a) bursitis, (b) tendonitis or (c) cancer.

I have spent several weeks implementing the treatment regimens suggested for conditions (a) and (b). And since we all know that Web MD is controlled by avaricious medical professionals who want to scare you into scheduling a CAT scan by listing cancer as a possible diagnosis for every symptom from a cloudy toenail to a chronic eye-twitch, I think it’s safe to take condition (c) off the proverbial table.

Still, the pain persists. Therefore, I am convinced that my problem stems from a cause beyond the realm of modern medical science. With careful thought and consideration, I amassed an impressive list of possibilities. Here are some of my top hypotheses, presented using scaled anatomical diagrams: