Wednesday, October 31, 2012


For the past three months or so, I have suffered from a nagging pain in my right hip. It’s not quite a stabbing pain, but more like a dull burn that increases in intensity following strenuous physical activity.

According to Web MD, the pain is most likely the result of (a) bursitis, (b) tendonitis or (c) cancer.

I have spent several weeks implementing the treatment regimens suggested for conditions (a) and (b). And since we all know that Web MD is controlled by avaricious medical professionals who want to scare you into scheduling a CAT scan by listing cancer as a possible diagnosis for every symptom from a cloudy toenail to a chronic eye-twitch, I think it’s safe to take condition (c) off the proverbial table.

Still, the pain persists. Therefore, I am convinced that my problem stems from a cause beyond the realm of modern medical science. With careful thought and consideration, I amassed an impressive list of possibilities. Here are some of my top hypotheses, presented using scaled anatomical diagrams:


  1. You've ignored the obvious; acute allergic reaction to treadmills. I suggest a ritualistic sacrifice of the offending apparatus along the lines of the photocopy machine demise in "Office Space"

    1. As much as I would like to take a treadmill out into the woods and bash the crap out of it, I don't think gym equipment had anything to do with this injury. It flared up just before I started my treadmill regimen, and it actually seemed to get better the less I ran outside. Ever since I resumed normal running activity, the pain has gotten inexplicably worse.

  2. Frickin' sharks with frickin' laser beams! Nice! (and hopefully the hip is better by now)