Let’s face it: compared to testosterone-fueled contact
sports like football, ice hockey and Jujitsu, long-distance running just isn’t
that manly.
As a man, it’s one thing to idolize famous athletes who look
like this:
Photo courtesy of blacksportsonline.com
But anyone with a pair of testicles is going to have a hard
time explaining why their hero looks like an adolescent girl with a bad
haircut:
Photo courtesy of Marcio Jose Sanchez/bigstory.ap.org
Look, a community 10K is never going to be as effortlessly
macho as a backyard game of pigskin on a crisp fall day. That’s why Brett
Favre—not Galen Rupp—is the poster boy for Wrangler jeans. And that’s why Brett
Favre—not Galen Rupp—had the audacity to text photos of his junk to a woman who
looks like this:
Photo courtesy of news.lalate.com
But you don’t have to be a retired NFL star in grass-stained
Five Star Premium Denim to exude masculinity and win the approval of your
fellow XYs. You just have to follow a few simple rules to avoid coming off as a
bird-legged sissy in short-shorts.
1. Have facial hair. Nothing says, “I own a power drill”
like a little bit of mug-scruff. But beware—too much of a good thing will leave
you looking more hobo (i.e. Tom Hanks in Castaway) than hunky (i.e. Brad Pitt in Moneyball).
2. Either wear sleeves, or don’t. Manly men do not slip
removable spandex tubes over their forearms in case it’s a bit chilly (or a bit
balmy) on the course. Sensitivity to temperature fluctuations is a known side
effect of estrogen, which is why arm sleeves—like half-tights and battery-powered mini fans—should be
reserved for female use only.
3. Listen to classic rock. Before you head to the starting
line, make sure your iPod is loaded up with AC/DC, The Rolling Stones and Led
Zeppelin. When the dude to your right asks what you’re jamming to, your answer
should not be, “One Direction.”
4. Wear black. Johnny Cash was just kidding when he said
he’d love to wear a rainbow everyday. At least half of your outfit should be
black or gray. If you want to rock a lime green shirt, go for it. You just
couldn’t resist those bright blue shorts on the clearance rack at Sports
Authority? Fine. But please, for the love of all that is holy, do not wear them
together. Because when you look like this:
Photo courtesy of perfectionjourney.org
Other guys see this:
Photo courtesy of rumorfix.com
5. Win. A man does not engage in a competitive activity—be
it a sport, a video game or a checkers match with Granny—simply to
participate. He does it to destroy his opponent and thus prove his superiority
to the rest of the male race. If that means vomiting blood for 20 minutes after
out-kicking a slightly overweight teenager in a homestretch sprint for 41st
place in the local Turkey Trot, so be it. Bloody oatmeal barf is a small price
to pay for the preservation of your masculinity.
