On your mark, get sweat, go

If you’re one of the five people who have been reading this blog regularly for the past few months—or one of the countless exercisers who have had the misfortune of using the treadmill next to mine—you know that I have a severe sweating problem.

I’ve been unavoidably flecking my excess perspiration on fellow gym-goers for years—ever since I came to the conclusion, following extensive cost-benefit analysis, that running on a treadmill is a better winter exercise option than the outdoor alternative. Running on the icy roads of rural Montana simply isn’t worth the risk of broken bones and/or frostbite.

I was unaware, however, that there was an actual term for this phenomenon. That is, until I came across an interesting link on one of my new favorite blog sites, runningisfunny.com.

After reading this article, I realized that my current protocol for dealing with my overactive sweat glands is all wrong. My mantra of “absorb, absorb, absorb” should be replaced by “deflect, deflect, deflect.” I should forgo sweat towels, portable fans and SweatWow products; instead, I should use my natural talent for sweat production to my advantage. In short, I should adopt the highly effective gym tactic known as “defensive sweating.”

Over the years, I have inadvertently tested the effectiveness of this maneuver on several occasions. My conclusion? It works.

I have found it to be particularly effective when combined with an Accessory Sweat-Flecking Mechanism, or ASFM. Examples include loose jewelry, ponytails, headphone cords or mullets.

Using the force of kinetic energy transferred from the motion of the runner, such mechanisms propel sweat droplets much farther than they would travel on their own.

For example, in an incident that took place at my local athletic club approximately six weeks ago, I unknowingly utilized the tactic of defensive sweating to force another exerciser off of the treadmill adjacent to mine. I knew he had probably vacated the area to avoid being sprinkled with my perspiration, which was flying off my iPod cord faster than nonsensical words fly out of Charlie Sheen’s mouth. At the time, I was left feeling more embarrassed than triumphant.

After reading the article, though, I’ve begun to see defensive sweating as an outlet for competitive urges I can no longer satisfy with weekly competition. It really is the perfect contest for me—no one beats me at sweating. No one.

Plus, leaving the gym feeling like a sweaty winner rather than a sweaty freak has done wonders for my self-esteem.

V is for VICKtory

Are you a serious runner who does serious workouts?

Do you run insane combinations of intervals and race multiple events in a single day due to a psychiatric condition and/or merciless coach?

Do you live in Montana, a.k.a. Perpetual Winter, where you must train and race at excessive altitudes in dry, arctic conditions?

Do you constantly suffer from phlegm build-up and an annoying dry cough despite the fact that you are an otherwise healthy non-smoker?

Are you tired of scaring away fellow gym patrons who avoid using any piece of equipment within a 50-foot radius of you for fear of catching your death cough? Do said exercisers shoot you uncomfortably long glares of disgust as they gather up their things, as if to say, “Why aren’t you wearing one of those Chinese SARS masks?”

Are you beginning to suspect this post is actually a poorly written script for a low-budget infomercial?

If you’ve answered “yes” to one or more of these unnecessarily numerous questions, then you need VICKtory, the only mentholated ointment specifically designed to relieve the symptoms associated with runner’s cough—from the makers of Vicks VapoRub.

Cough syrup can lead to upset stomach, drowsiness, and drug dependency. Throat lozenges often taste like off-brand cinnamon bears doused in cheap whiskey and become a dangerous choking hazard when used in conjunction with vigorous exercise.

But VICKtory stops runner’s cough dead in its tracks—safely and conveniently. Simply open the tub, scoop the goop, and swipe directly onto the skin between the nose and upper lip. It’s that easy!

Still skeptical? Check out these testimonials from real* VICKtory users:

“From what I could tell, it was just regular Vicks in a slightly different container with a new label. But yeah, it worked, I guess. At least until I started sweating and it melted onto my lips and mouth.”

-Brian (Bozeman, MT)

“It was, uh, interesting. Like eucalyptus-scented Vaseline. It did help my cough, but I wasn’t crazy about having slimy goop all over my face. People kept looking at me like I had a booger hanging out.”

-Alan (Aspen, CO)

“I absolutely LOVED IT!!!!!! Truly a miracle product. I’m going to start using in place of lip balm, body lotion, toothpaste, cooking oil and peanut butter!”

-Vicky McVaporub (Vixingtonshire, Alberta)

So what are you waiting for? Don’t lose to runner’s cough—let VICKtory bring out the winner** in you!

* “Real” in the sense that unicorns are real because people write about them

**This product is neither affiliated with, nor endorsed by, Charlie Sheen